"(For the Third Time)"
Do You Love Me?
By Michael Browder Ph.D.
April 18, 2010

Do-you-love-me? Those four words are jam-packed with implications. Most often we hear these words when one sweetheart asks another: “Do you love me?” “Do you really love me?”

If you are on the receiving end of this question, you might very well wonder about the motive: Why am I being asked this question? It is clear that some people, especially young people ask this question out of a deep sense of insecurity. They need to be constantly reassured. They need to be told “Yes, I love you. Now don’t worry. Everything is going to be OK.”

Let me just stop and say this: If you love someone, you ought to tell them. Don’t wait for them to have to ask you. It’s good to tell someone when you love them. It is good for them. It is good for you. It is good for the soul.

Go ahead and say it out-loud. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t be like that fellow who had been married for years. When he was asked about this, he said, “She ought to know that I love her. I told her back in 1986. What more does she want from me for goodness sakes?!”

What she wants from you is for you to take her in your arms, and look her right in the eyes, and say, “Baby, I love you!”

By the way, this question, “Do you love me?” is not meant to be used for manipulation. Too often it is used for that purpose. “Baby, do you love me?” “You know I do, sugar.” “Then how about getting a pillow for my feet?”

It’s not always that innocent. “If you love me, you’ll let me buy that truck.” “If you love me, you’ll agree to buy a new house.” “If you love me, you’ll go to my family’s house for Christmas.” “If you really love me, you’ll have sex with me.” These things are about manipulation, not love.

True, if you love someone, you ought to show your love in your actions. But the actions should be the free expression of caring, and not the result of self-serving manipulations.

In our scripture today, Jesus asks Peter, “Do you love me?” How does Jesus’ question fit into our discussion? To begin with, let me say that the ancient Greek language had four different words for love. Three of those words are found in the New Testament. Two of them in our scripture today.

The first word for love is eros. This is romantic love, the love between a man and a woman. It is where we get the English word erotic. So far, when we have been talking about the question, “Do you love me” we have discussed it in the context of romantic love, or eros. In John 21, when Jesus asks Peter, “Do you love me?” The word eros is not used at all.

In Greek the second word for love is phile. Phile means “the love of friends, the love of comrades.” We sometimes refer to it as “brotherly love.” So, it is the basis for the name of the city Phila-delphia, which in Greek means “the city of brotherly love.”

Finally, there is the Greek word agape. Agape is self-sacrificing love. It is the type of love that Christ showed for us and that we show for God. Agape love means putting love for others above self. We can see that this is just the opposite of the manipulating love we talked about before.

So, when Jesus asks Peter, “Do you love me?” he actually asks, “Do you agape me?” In other words, “Do you love me with God-endowed self-sacrificing love?”

Notice that Peter does not answer simply “Yes!” Probably the best thing Peter could have answered would be a confident “Yes I do!” Peter does not give this answer. Instead he answers a petulant, “You know that I love you.”

If you were reading this with me in the original Greek, you would notice that Peter answers with the word phile. Jesus asks, “Do you love me with the love of God?” (agape) And Peter answers, “I love you with the love of a friend.” (phile) Do you see how Peter is missing the point?

In the Bible, Peter, the head of the church, is often the symbol for every one of us Christians. What he does here is so typical of you and me. How often does the Lord ask us to be Godly and we prefer to be earthy? Let’s face it. We prefer our friendships with each other to our relationship with God. Because of this, we, like Peter miss what Jesus is trying to say to us.

After Peter answers, “You know that I love you,” Jesus tells him: “Feed my lambs.” So, Jesus does expect that love leads to action. “If you love me, you will act on that love, and feed the lambs of my flock.” In other words, help people who are in need. Feed those who need food. And feed people spiritually with the message of God’s salvation. Are you doing this? When Jesus asks, “Do you love me?” are your words and actions pointing others to Christ?

Then, Jesus asked Peter a second time, “Do you love me?” (agape) And Peter answers the same thing, “Lord, you know that I love you.” (phile)

When you ask someone a second time, “Do you love me?” you think that perhaps they did not really hear you the first time, or perhaps they just answering without thinking, they don’t really mean what they said.

We experience this all the time. How often are we asked “Do you believe in God?” “Are you a Christian?” “Have you really committed your heart and live to Christ?” “Have you opened your life up for Christ to come in and take charge?” “Do you really know the salvation of Jesus?” And we answer “Sure.” As in: “It’s no big deal.” “Why do we have to talk about it?” It’s the same answer our children give us when we ask them about something important that they are ignoring. They say: “Don’t bug me!”

Jesus is saying, “It is a big deal.” “We do need to talk about it.” And if Jesus is saying that to Peter, how much more does he need to say it to you and me. Christ is asking you, “Do you really love me?... Or is this just talk?” God is saying, “If you really love me, let me see it in your life. Let me see that your love for me makes a difference. Let me see it in action!”

And so Jesus asks Peter a third time “Do you love me?” Why specifically three times. It is because Jesus and Peter have been down this road before. Let me take you back a few chapters. Before the Crucifixion, at the Last Supper. Jesus said to his Apostles, “Some terrible things are about to happen, and I need you to stand up for me?”

And what did Peter answer? He said, “Lord, I will never forsake you, even if it means to the death!” And Jesus said, “Oh Peter! Once again you have spoken too fast. Even before the rooster finishes crowing this very morning, you will deny me three times.”

Here is the same Peter, who always acts first and then, to his regret, has to think later. This is Peter who said to Jesus, “Don’t say you will be crucified.” And Jesus had to say, “Get behind me, Satan!” This is Peter who cut off the arresting guard’s ear, and Jesus had to heal it. This is Peter, who actually walked on water for a moment! But then Jesus had to pull him out from drowning. Now Jesus is saying, “Yes, Peter, if you can deny me three times, you can promise that you love me three times. Bible scholars call this the restoration of Peter. Peter, with all his faith, if Jesus must ask him three times, how many times must he ask you and me? Do you love me? How will you show it?

Actually, the second time, Jesus had responded to Peter with slightly different words. If you were looking at the original with me you would notice that, instead of saying, “Feed my lambs,” Jesus says, “Tend my sheep.” And now, the third time, Jesus says, “Feed my sheep.”

I think we can understand Jesus’ three different statements, if we remember the Three Types of Grace. (What are the Three Types of Grace?) When he says, “Feed my Lambs,” Jesus is thinking about Prevenient Grace. Grace for those who are young in the faith, and still learning about God. They need a lot of spiritual food, a lot of training. Then Jesus says, “Tend my sheep,” he is referring to Justifying Grace, the Saving Grace of God which brings people into the fold of the church. And finally, by “Feed my flock,” Jesus is referring to Sanctifying Grace, the grace that enables us to grow in the Lord and be filled with the Holy Spirit.

When we look closely at verse 17, Jesus calls Peter by his full name, Simon, son of Jonah. That’s like when I was a kid, and my mama called me by my given names, “Michael Heath!” I knew I was in trouble then!

Jesus now changes from agape to phile. He is no longer addressing Peter, the sinner who denied him, he is now speaking to Peter, his dear friend of many miles, and many days and many nights, when he says, “Do you love me?” “Dear friend, Peter, do you love me?”

Here, as we look at the original Greek, we see that Peter also changes his wording a little bit. Like Spanish, Greek has two words for “know.” One word oida, means to know in your mind, to have an intellectual knowledge of something. The other word for “to know” ginosoko, means to know something because you have learned it from experience. [It’s like the story of Juchixuchitenango.] This is a huge problem today. Too many Christians simply know about Christ intellectually, but they do not know what it is like to experience a relationship with him.

Previously, Peter had answered, “You know for a fact in your mind that I love you, Jesus.” Now Peter is answering, “Jesus, you know I love you, because you have experienced my love. And you personally know about my love for God.”

Peter finally got the message. He finally realized what Jesus was asking him. And he finally answered from the bottom of his heart, “Yes, I love you, dear Jesus.”

Peter went on to put his faith in action. He lives his life for Jesus, and he died as a martyr for Jesus’ sake. Peter died during the persecution of Nero. He was killed by crucifixion. But because he had once denied Jesus, Peter asked to be crucified upside down. He said he was not worthy to die in exactly the same was as Christ.

Dear friend, what will you say when Jesus asks, “Do you love me?” He is asking today. Do you love him? Does it show? And how will you share that love with others?