"Quality Time "
By Michael Browder Ph.D.
June 19, 2010

My parents were the type who made sacrifices for their children. Our family didn’t have much, but my parents had even less, because they wanted to make sure we had the things we needed. But, more precious than anything money could buy, they gave us their time. True, we had some pretty strict rules. But we knew that our parents were there for us.

Parenting is an apprenticeship. That’s the way God meant for it to be. Do you know what an apprenticeship is? It is when a master craftsman, or someone who is an expert in their work, takes on a younger person as an assistant. Usually this process lasts for years, with the older person teaching and setting an example, until the younger person is able to stand on their own.

God created the process of parenting to be just like this. We see it in nature. Baby animals are not born knowing how to feed themselves. The way they learn is by spending time with the parent. They learn from watching the parent and then participating with the parent. Finally the young animal is able to find food on its own.

Sometimes a parent has to nurture. Sometimes a parent has to nudge. When do you nurture? When do you nudge? That’s a good question. If you know the sure answer, please tell the rest of us parents, because we would really like to know.

Today’s scripture is about Abraham being called to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham lived in a world where child sacrifice was common. But God provided a means of redemption for Isaac to be spared. We live in a world where children are being sacrificed. They are being sacrificed to the distractions of our busy lives. But, if we look to the Lord, He will show us the way to redemption.

My life story was different than that of Isaac. I can see that my father gave his life for me. He didn’t do it by throwing himself in front of a bus. He did it by giving himself a little bit at a time, helping us children grow up, when, instead, he might have done more at work to advance his own career. And now, years after his death, I am just beginning to understand the gift he gave me. This points me to the much greater gift of Jesus Christ, who gave himself for me. The ram in thicket was just the beginning. Jesus is the lamb who delivers every one of us who will trust in him.

God could have stayed in heaven. He could have saved us from there. But he chose to spend time with us as a human being. He chose to model sacrificial living. By spending his life with us, to show us his love and point us in the right direction, Christ gave us a good model for the life of a parent.

God spent time with us. To all parents today, and especially to us fathers, I say: Parenting takes time. We fathers need to hear this.

I want to talk for a moment about the term “quality time.” I understand what we are saying by this, and we mean well. True, you can’t spend every moment with your children, and so you want to make your time with them special. That makes sense. But, on the other hand, time is time. And lack of time is lack of time. In too many instances, I have seen parents, especially fathers, spend time on everything else, and neglect giving their children much needed time and care, by saying, “Oh, I will give them some ‘quality time’ later on.” That “quality time,” which we are going to give them but never do, too easily becomes a myth to deceive ourselves.

There is no substitute for spending time with your children. It takes time to undertake the true apprenticeship of raising your child.

If you are not spending time with your children, to teach them about life, who is teaching them? Who is telling them about life? Who is showing them which way to go?

Sometimes, we try to put this duty off on their teachers. I see this all too often. We say, “The teacher is with them all day. The teacher will show them what is right.” I have even heard parents say: “I can’t do a thing with this child. The teacher will have to get them straightened out.” Teachers can’t raise children like parents can. Teachers weren’t meant to. It is our responsibility to prepare our children for adulthood. When we put this critical work off on others, our children don’t turn out the way they should.

And, too often we put the care of our children into the hands of our children’s friends. Do we want our children’s friends to be the ones who raise them? And teach them about life?

Anthropologists say that this tendency shows the difference between us and most traditional cultures. Since ancient times, when a child came of age, perhaps around 12, the parents and tribe would gather around. They would undertake some ritual to remind the child about the responsibilities of the transition to adulthood. The family and community reaffirm their commitment to guide the child through this important time.

Today we have given up that right of passage. The children’s friends are undertaking that transition for us. I ask this: Are our children’s friends better qualified to teach what it means to be and adult? What will be their standards for right and wrong? Can we really count on their friends to do a good job of raising our children for us? For instance, the bad guidance that youth receive with regard to sex is a sign that we have failed in this area.

We have also forfeited our parenting to the television set. Television is teaching our children about life. Think about all the time children spend watching television. And the things that are exposed to on television make my blood curdle. Is that the values we want to teach them? And then I think about the Internet raising our children, and I am even more concerned.

I know how it is to be a parent: busy, lots of responsibilities, not knowing what to do. And what’s the first thing you do to keep the children occupied? You set the children down in front of the television. Or you turn on their computer. It is so easy, so available. The television keeps them occupied. But do you really want the television to raise the child? Do you want to live in a world where their values are formed by what’s on television and the Internet?

Your children are looking to you for an example. Studies show that, even through high school, parents have more influence on children than anyone else. Responsibility comes with that fact. They are looking to you for answers. They are watching your example. Youth are influenced much more by the actions of adults than by their words.

Are you setting the right example for your children? Are you spending enough time with them to get the job done? Are you helping them find their way? Either you are going to guide them, or they are going to look elsewhere.

I have a friend, who was one of my closest friends when we were young. Through the years, we parted ways, and he got into some trouble. He spent some time in jail. After he got out, he came to know the Lord. And he felt called by God to help other parolees find salvation. He learned that their main problem was that they had trouble finding the right kind of relationships, and so they went back to their old ways. So he started building relationships with prisoners when they got out of jail. He would even bring them home with him to stay, until they got back on their feet. He got to be very busy and very successful with this work, and he found that he was away from home a good bit.

And while he was gone with his work, the ex-prisoners in his home were teaching his children about crime. And his own little boy, when he got into his late teens, that precious little boy, got into trouble, and ended up in jail himself. And it was because the father had allowed someone else to raise his child. The father had not been there for his son in the critical and formative years of the child’s life. And the boy had gone another way. It’s not just my friend’s story. I know many very popular, successful pastors who have neglected their children for the sake of their work in the church. And I say, May God have mercy on their soul!

Dear fathers, dear parents: What we are allowing to happen to our children? Who is raising our children? We fathers need to take back that role again. We need to be the ones teaching our children. We need to spend time with them. We need to set an example for them.

Fellow fathers. Let me say this on Fathers Day, and say it loud: I don’t care what you achieve in this world. You may run a successful business, you may be the best worker in your company, you may receive accolades, you may set sales records that have never been known before, But there is nothing more important that you can do than to spend time with your child. Let me say that again: [ ] To show them the right way. And to build a relationship with them until they are strong enough to be on their own. There is nothing more important. And that is what being a father is all about.

Prayer: O God, thank you for giving yourself to us. Thank you that you have come to be with us in Jesus Christ. Now help us to give ourselves to others. And let us begin with our children. Amen.

According to one comedian, the teacher asked the children to write a thank-you letter to the one who had raised them. One child wrote a letter to the television network!